Going to keep this brief because I’m writing from my phone and my usual punctuation-less texting style means my phone won’t correct my grammar or spelling errors.
The past couple of weeks have been tough. I think I’ve let things get on top of me. I’ve been feeling really anxious, tired and even a little depressed. This scared me because I didn’t really know why I felt this way, and still don’t really. I’m seeing the psychologist and trying to keep positive but it’s difficult when you’re tired all the time. I just wish I felt like a did even a month ago, its just so frustrating. Just got to keep pushing on until Easter, then I can have a break…
When I think about what triggers my anxiety and anxiety attacks and things that stress me out, some seem reasonable and others are obviously totally irrational. I thought I’d make a list of things that have caused me stress and anxiety or induced an anxiety attack in the past or at present, so you can see that if you think you have anxiety attacks with weird triggers, don’t worry I do too 🙂
Certain stretches of road and motorway
Looking at my whole face or eyes in the mirror (but I can focus on specific parts)
Upstairs in my house, especially when I’m in alone
The bathroom at home
Being away from home because I’m a fussy eater and I struggle to sleep out of my own bed
Drinking, because being tipsy feels like I’m having an anxiety attack
Football grounds (Huddersfield Town need to get it sorted because my anxiety attacks are always way worse when I’m there for away matches 😉 )
Being alone, in public or at home
Presentations and public speaking
Change, like from high school to sixth form to uni
Talking about anxiety attacks
Eye contact, but I more feel uncomfortable with that than it causing me stress
Performing on stage (which is a problem when you dance) especially when I know people watching
Changes in light
Changes in temperature
Sometimes if I hear my own voice or see pictures of myself when I feel off I start to feel worse
Trying to get to sleep
People sitting behind me
I sometimes feel better/worse if I sit in a certain place or walk on a certain side of the road
Going to a place I’ve had an anxiety attack before
I think some people don’t always understand why these things trigger my anxiety attacks and half the time neither do I, but eventually I have managed to eliminate some of these things from the list. We all have odd thing we stress about, so if you think you are alone, you’re 100% not…
I was always outgoing when I was younger. I loved being on stage dancing, meeting new people and talking to everyone. I think that all changed really after my anxiety diagnosis. I really worry about talking to new people and making new friends. Public speaking terrifies me and I hate eye contact.
When I was in sixth form I had a large group of friends, granted it took me a year to pluck up the courage to talk to them, but they were, and still are, my friends. I also still remain close to quite a few of my friends from high school and before. This made me think that when I got to university I would make new friends easily, but that wasn’t the case.
At university, a lot of people met people in their accommodation from their course and became close friends with them, but as I still lived at home, I couldn’t meet friends that way. I was very lucky that on the second day, I met two girls in my tutorial group and we just clicked. We got on really well and one of them still lived at home too! I thought, ‘This is great, I’ve got friends, I like the course!” A couple of weeks in and my friend that lived at home decided the course wasn’t for her and she decided to change courses and moved to a different college. This was what she wanted and I wish her all the best on her new course.
A few days later, my other friend met a another girl on our course, through societies (whilst I was ill) and since then it has been the three of us. Don’t get me wrong, I talk to other people, but I don’t know them well enough to call them friends yet. It worried me a bit when I saw other people with loads of new friends, but then I realised I would rather have two close friends than 10 acquaintances that I only know a bit about.
This week, my friend I met on the second day has decided that she wants to move universities next year, for personal reasons. I don’t resent her because if I was in her position, I would probably do the same. However, the whole situation has got me worried about what will happen next year and how will me and my one other uni friend get on. At the moment, I’m trying to concentrate on things to look forward to, like a home friend’s birthday celebrations on Friday, the football on Saturday and a 5 Seconds of Summer concert at Easter, but I can’t help worrying about what will happen in September…