It’s currently the night before my last exam of second year of uni. I’m feeling a little bit sick because I’m worried about the exam. I can’t motivate myself to feel prepared for the exam, not because I’m not anxious, but in some ways my anxiety is misplaced.
Approaching my 21st birthday has made me reflect on my life and I can’t help but feel down at the fact I still feel lost about where I’m going in life and how everything is going. I can see how far I’ve come since the paradoxical reaction to an SSRI last year, but I’m now better off now than I was at the end of sixth form- in fact in some ways I feel worse.
At the end of sixth form, I was starting at uni with my panic disorder under control and a close knit group of friends. Now, I’ve got my panic disorder under control still, except now my friends (rightly) have their own lives, I’m only just starting to grow close to a group of uni friends and I have OCD. Not exactly what I planned. This is really what I feel anxiety falls down to- the fear of the unknown. The whole life I’ve been anxious for things to go well, but because I didn’t know I would worry and then I get stuck in a vicious circle.
Someone said to me in September I should have a boyfriend and it made me think. May be I should, but I don’t even really have uni friends, maybe I should have some of them. Hang on I don’t really know what I want to do and where I’m going in life and this has played on my mind ever since. This throw away comment to have a dig at me had a more profound affect on me than I thought. Yes, I should ignore them because I have been through so much in the last 5 years that there’s a reason why I don’t. On the other hand, my anxiety about the future and craving to be like everyone else says they are right and so this vicious circle of worrying about the future continues.
So, as I approach 21, I want to remind myself and others that, we cant predict life, we can’t see into the future and I have wasted so much time worrying about my own future that I’ve sort of forgot to have a life in the present. To be braver and make new friends, to go out more, to focus on my work, but also have a good time. If anyone reads this and relates, you are not the only worried about what your life will be like, but spending your time worrying won’t change what happens, so your energy is being wasted on such a negative outlet of anxiety.
This post is more a reminder to myself not to stress about the future, but I want to reassure others that such worries are not just confined to you